Thursday, June 19, 2008


This is an honest feeling. I'm heading through marraige life yet I've been missing a lot in my life. The closeness to my parents. Eversince my growing years, I never felt a parent supporting me all the way. The fact that I never grew up with them. I was under the care of my grand parents four months after mom gave birth to me. I would tell that I'm close to my lola and aunts in the rural area. My parents just provided me with things that don't even sympathize to what I feel.

When I was four, they took me back with them. My dad used to be a lil close to me. He would give me a few hugs and kisses even though he's busy working. My childhood years was spent together with a yaya (nanny). They sent me to a rpivate school but never attended any PTA meetings, never let me dance ballet (which I very much loved to do) and didn't let me enjoy all the things I wanted to experience during my younger years.

I'm on my teen years until I stepped to college. I wanted to take up journalism or mass communications but mom hindered all. She let me took up business course. I never find it interesting. She would get mad if I get low grades. I just can't achieve anything if it doesn't interests me, so how would I get a high grade?

I fell into some on and off relationships and I never shared any of it to them. All my relationships were kept secret till the just found out from some friends who saw me dating with somebody.

I had this one guy that I would I would last forever with him but my parents totally disagree with our relationship. I tried to fight the rleationship but the guy totally gave up because my parents didn't like him at all.

I got pregnant with my present boyfriend and they were so mad at me after knowing that I was diagnosed to ectopic pregnancy. All hurting words were thrown back at me and they were so disappointed. Our relationship nearly eneded because of this. But my boyfriend stood up and eventually won back the trust of my parents. We're happy now. I'm open with my relationship now.

Mom got stroke after a couple of months. My brother and I were scared thinking we might lose her. I was worried about dad also. Afterall she's my mother. Though she's recovering now, our closeness hasn't changed. I felt like I never had a mom. All my years I never felt my mom being in my side. All I could remember is her telling me to pay some bills and insurances. Sometimes I would think, is money all that matters to her?

When the family of my boyfriend came to house to fully agreed of getting us engaged, They even told them that I'm useless and I'm suwail na bata (rebel child). But my boyfriend said he proved them wrong. I may be suplada buy I'm not a rebel. I just need somebody to understand the real me.

When I went to meet the whole family of my fiance, I envy them. When my fiance's brother died, I saw how bonded they all are. All are so sweet with each other and very supportive of each other. They never fight and never throw words at each other. Their parents never humiliated them and they fully understand each of their 9 children. I wonder, we are just 2 in the family but our parents never saw our inner personality.

I just wanted to feel loved. But now I know why I was not close to my parents especially my mom. It's because she was never there when I grew up. I understand that they have to work but that should have understood that they have kids to spend time with. I don't know if I still have the possibility to bear a child. But if will, I'll make it a point to spend time with my baby no matter how busy I am. I'll never let my baby experience what I've been through. I'll be the best mother I can be for my baby....someday.

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